im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
