If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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