At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
