you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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