it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
