I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
