Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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