I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
