hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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