dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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