It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
