I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
