My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
