Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
