In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
