You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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