just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
