My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
