I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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