oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My balls are so social today.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF