Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle