So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
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I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
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I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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