woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
