I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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