Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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