I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
