i permit you to call me
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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