So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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