chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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