Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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