I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
