Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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