So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
