I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
