the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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