you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
