One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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