How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
