every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize