shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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