So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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