Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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