he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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