why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
