We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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