I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
