He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
did i just pee glitter
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
im on a boat
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