Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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