the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
