Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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