this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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