oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
