i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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